We Meet Again...

It's been some time since I've posted on here, mainly because I forgot about it. Whoever reads this may be aware of some other blogs of mine that focus on specific topics of interest, but this blog will be solely for personal and creative use.

I got bored last night and started writing, with a real pen and real paper. Writing. Not typing. It's always interesting to see what you come up with when you don't have technology distracting you. I wrote these with the intent of using them as lyrics in some songs I've either written or have yet to write. Enjoy.

1.
the frigid air breathes down my neck,
permeating this mortal shell and
chilling me to the marrow. the trees
scream in silent agony for the chance
to bloom life once again and for
the wrath of winter to subside...


the sky like cool velvet cloaks
the approach of sunlight to
the earth, shrouding it's inhabitants
in the mystery of tomorrow
and the chaos of today


a glance towards the horizon as
the light of day begins to fade
commences the unraveling of the story of dusk,
everything grayscale in it's appearance, fading
quickly to silhouette, to shadow, to black


what seems absent now is not,
but perhaps lies just beyond the
veil of fog. seek what you may,
as your veins turn to ice,
not from the cold outside,
but from the coldness within

2.
as the tide inevitably crashes
against the shore, so does
the fire inside me burn for a
sense of purpose. What was I meant for?

if not for someone, then for what?
the heat of my own selfish desire
makes me flush, my own guilt like
the white-hot embers of a fiery forge

fading in and out of knowing the
answer, my vices overcome me and
for a moment clench me in the
jaws of darkness, no hope for change

in an extravagant explosion of fragments
of the entire color spectrum my cognition
is regathered, my purpose redefined
and my journey continues

3.
you paint the sky with the
tip of your finger leaving behind
a canvas no different than when
you started, your sought-after
masterpiece nothing more than a
shard of an idea

nestled in the comfort of your
existence your level of awareness
fails you again, shepherding you into
a realm of ambiguity, the cavernous
echoes of your desires crashing to the ground

boldly you speak of holding the
world in the palm of your hand
but you let gravity serve it's purpose
time and time again and bring yourself
down to the hollow misery you
think you're running from

obstruction. impediment. hindrance.
like the paths of so many before you,
you follow blindly. the only stimuli we
need reside within the very core of our being

4.
brisk metal between my fingers,
I stand before the portal to my past,
beckoning me not to return.
hesitantly I insert the key into the lock,
the tumbler pins gnashing loudly to
indicate my presence. I am home

an aura of damaging energy tears
through me, the memories associated
with a prior way of thinking come flooding
back and lamentable patterns of
neural activity arise once again

everything I had worked for
now seems fleeting, those around
me unable to see the internal carnage
reaped and sown from their impunitive
practices that will see them burn
for all of eternity when their bodies
wither to dust

to the flames you go, karma for
leaving these burns behind, these
burns for which there is no
remedy but time

In Memoriam

The vividness of the world in color has been ever fleeting since early this year. September 10, 2010 is the day when all shades of that color vanished. Everything is dark.

In June of this year my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, the dormant result of 30+ years of smoking despite not having touched a cigarette for the last 10 years. My second mother, a woman who is indestructible, was already in Stage 4 by the time it was identified. While some may argue that traditional cancer treatments are the best thing we have right now, I will argue that they have done nothing but provide the healthcare industry and the government with an infallible financial cushion that will continue to be fed by individuals who are aware of no other option. Having changed her lifestyle drastically over the past decade, my grandmother attempted a holistic treatment that involved a very intense dietary regimen. After all, if you've done your research, cancer, like most diseases, is merely a deficiency of something in the body. The entire family sided with this decision because it is what she wanted, and has been proven to naturally cure without destroying everything in sight as chemotherapy tends to do. With the latter treatment people are simply given time, a delayed alternative to the undoubted ending of physical life. This is, of course, subjective, seeing as how different people with different bodies enter different stages of the disease and respond differently in every aspect. Nevertheless, my grandma, with the company of my wonderful grandfather, headed south to Mexico to a clinic that specializes in the type of treatment she was interested in. This quick trip brought them home with a variety of herbal remedies. And thus, treatment began.

Nobody is more optimistic than my grandmother, and seeing her confidence in this treatment provided us all assurance that we could begin seeing improvements in the near future. Seeing her terrific smile and hearing her one of a kind laugh in the midst of such a difficult time was enough to keep me certain that I would have this woman in my life for many years to come. It was not long, however, before her physical strength began to leave her and she was overcome by intolerable pain in her leg and in her arm. She described it as "an iron on my skin." Being confined to a bed is something that my grandma simply does not do. She always has a project, something unfinished, another thing started, and a million new ideas to follow. As her status continued to decline our optimism did as well. While she remained in good spirits, her strength was just not there. On August 22, I received the terrible news that my grandma had broken her hip. While this is seemingly common, I had no idea it would happen to her. Just when she was getting deep into her routine, this happened. My grandpa, bless his heart, had more than fulfilled his role as husband and provider for my grandma. He wanted to do everything for her, and he did. On August 22, everything changed. In the back of my mind I recognized that day as the start of a steady decline. My grandma underwent surgery on her hip; nobody was sure if it could even be performed. The doctors later said that the surgery was so successful because of how well she had stuck to her diet. They said the inside of her body was perfect, textbook. But the cancer remained, growing still deeper inside of her.

After the surgery she was admitted to a home where she could be cared for around the clock without my grandpa continuing to try to do everything. We saw this as a rehabilitation stage, where she could continue her diet and regain her physical strength to walk. Little did we know that she would be unable to continue her regimen. With the disallowance of medical marijuana and a dietary protocol that I still don't understand, my grandma was completely off of the treatment. With the beginning of hospice care, we all knew that she had well under six months left on this earth, but were still unknowing of exactly how soon it would be. The last two weeks have been a complete blur, one day blending into the next, sleepless night after sleepless night and a daytime apart from my grandma that seemed to last for an eternity. Her room, decorated with cards and stuffed animals, and a beautiful quilt representing our family, became the auditorium for her biggest fans and supporters. Each passing day I could see the strength continuing to leave her body, her voice becoming more and more faint. And yet, her sense of humor and optimism remained. Looking into those light blue, beautiful eyes that have seen so much recalled for me so many childhood memories of living next door to my grandparents. To have those memories is a wonderful gift. And to have been able to share them again, talking with my grandma was even greater. It was nice to see her eating whatever she liked: ice cream, coffee, chicken and mashed potatoes. The shutting down of the body is a very roller-coaster-like experience. Spurts of energy are followed by periods of heavy sleeping and lack of energy. On the morning of September 9, I was on my way to work, already running somewhat late. After another sleepless night, I woke up with a feeling of impending events. I debated stopping to see my grandma before work, and even though it was only a few minutes, it was the most important few minutes of my life to this point. I will never forget the dialogue between us that morning... I kissed her, and when I did she said, "Another." I kissed her once more. "I love you a whole bunch," she said, over and over. I shared my gratitude and love for this wonderful woman and then we said goodbye.

The evening of September 9 marks the start of the final stage of life for my grandma. No longer responsive, her breathing patterns have changed drastically and she cannot be awakened easily, but she looks comfortable. Our time together in that room, the whole family by her side, vanished so quickly. I fell asleep that night, waking up every two hours or so. The morning arrived early on September 10, my birthday, a sense of urgency along with it. At around 9:00am I stepped once again into her room where my grandpa and other members of the family could be found. The day is riddled with the arrival of family members that we have not seen in ages, all to see my grandma for perhaps one last time. The day wore on, getting late into the afternoon. Many people left to get some rest and take a break from the emotional events of the day; I was one of them. I awoke suddenly from a nap on the couch and something told me to be with my grandmother, something beyond instinct. Upon arriving I found only two other people in the room: my grandpa and aunt. Her breathing has changed noticeably again, and I know we don't have long. It was in this moment that we recognized the true strength of this woman, her urge to keep fighting. As her breathing became heavy, long periods of pausing followed in between each breath. The feeling of wondering if she would take another is the most painful anticipation I have ever known. Her breathing then became short, shallow... And then the three of us watched her take that last breath and leaned over her to pray. The feelings that follow I cannot describe with words. To me, the world had ended.

My grandmother and I share a birthday now, mine into this life, and her into her new life. I cannot explain the symbolism that is associated with this day, the events and the way they played out. God is an awesome God, and what he intends to be, will be. Her short life of 71 years will be recognized and celebrated until the end of time.

To the most inspirational and selfless woman I have ever known, I love you infinitely.

To my family, I love you all just as much and hope that we are never apart.

Your prayers and kind words have certainly been a blessing for the past few months, and we would not have gotten through this without you. During this period of mourning we hope to continue to receive your prayers and kind words, as we will need them to be strong.

Darlene Marie Howe, May 4, 1939 - September 10, 2010

New Year

"It takes a lot of understanding, time, and trust to gain a friendship with someone. As I approach a time of my life of complete uncertainty, my friends are my most precious asset."

All good things must come to an end.

Much to my amazement the calendar reads January 6th, 2010, a date that conveys that rapid rate at which I believe this year will pass. Chaperoned by a full moon in the arctic sky the new year rolled in quickly leaving us to look back on the accomplishments of the prior year and to perhaps set new resolutions for 2010. I have heard many say that they believe it will be a good year, and I could not agree more. With the economy grappling its way back out of the trenches and an overall ambiguity of the job market we can be sure that 2010 will be full of surprises, some good, some bad. A new decade is upon us, and we will be sure to make the best of it. Glancing once more at the calendar I have realized something momentous... In just two days, I will be leaving Orlando and heading back to Oregon.

My last two weeks here have been riddled with obstacles and touched with the emotions that go alongside having to part from some of your best friends. The Disney College Program is unyielding in this regard, giving you almost a complete lack of closure and a sure sense of loneliness. Some people leave before you, some with, and some after. Whatever way it happens, saying goodbye is difficult in more than one sense. The memories that were created here will never be lost, the friendships will never be abandoned, and the experience gained will never go to waste. I will miss the diversity that I have been encompassed by for so long. I will miss getting on the bus and feeling, quite literally, lost in translation. My eyes have been opened to a world far more vast than the one in which I permanently reside. The world is full of beautiful people, people that are just like you and I, contending to find the same camaraderie and happiness that we all seek. I am grateful to have been a part of this experience and would not exchange it for anything.

Thank you to the readers that have followed me this far, and thank you for bearing with me the weeks that I struggled through and could not find any inspiration to write. I hope that you continue to follow me through whatever may come.

-Derek

Week 15

"The venue in which I find myself recollecting the events that occurred on the night of her murder is appropriate. The chair with its rusting iron armrests and solid oak body is symbolic of the imprisoned mental state in which I find myself. A candle lit on the desktop flickers impatiently and seems to burn loudly in this cacophony of silence. If anyone were to enter this place they would first notice the cavernous appearance, seemingly abysmal but full of dark wonder. The concrete walls and floor neither let in nor let escape sound. Cracks run vertically, some all the way up to the ceiling, hints of water dripping through, their final destination a small puddle. Almost putrid is the stench that encompasses me right now. The human ability to adapt to an environment allows such things to go unnoticed after a short amount of time, but upon entering it can be quite shocking to the senses. A staircase in the back of the room is the only means of entering and exiting, and even it traps blackness, leaving no feeling of hope for truly escaping the memories that I reminisce in this dismal void.

I come here not because I want to be reminded, but because I feel that facing the truth is the only liberation still remaining. Less liberating is the fact that I continue to feel the same. No, not guilty or responsible, but rather apathetic. It has been said that apathy is a dangerous state of mind, and I imagine it applies to this situation as well. There is no fine line between love and likeness of another person. These lines are drawn clearly, like lines in the sand that is the chemical makeup of the brain. Having lingered so steadily between both emotions for so long has left my body a wreck, a harbor for all things deleterious.

Today marks one month since her soul was released from the physical world and into the vast eternity that is unknown to any mortal being. It is impossible to imagine that she would find serenity, even happiness, in death. Sometimes I wonder if anyone can doubt his or her worth to such a degree that death would be rectifying, but then again, I can’t say that she ever really tried to appreciate life..."

Week 14

The last few weeks have seen an increase in leisure and a decline in total hours worked, which, unfortunately, results in insufficient pay. As the leisure has not come at any financial cost it has easily been worth the time lost at work.

As part of an ongoing product knowledge endeavor I have had the opportunity to reap the benefits of both a Fireworks Cruise, retail price $266.25, and a Segway Tour retail price, $85.00. For those of you unfamiliar with a Segway, they are a two-wheeled, self-balancing electric vehicle. Known for its use in Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Segway is definitely as fun as it looks. Throw some mud tires on and you're ready to tear up the trails. And we did just that, on what may have been the coldest day in Florida since I arrived. Despite the weather and my desensitized, frigid hands, there was much to be learned on the back trails of Fort Wilderness Resort & Campground. From the air potato vine amidst the lush verdure to the history of the Contemporary Resort that could be seen in the offing upon a veil of mist that cloaked the Seven Seas Lagoon, this was quite the learning experience.

Nearly three months too late I have completed my visit to each of the theme parks here. My most recent excursion, Animal Kingdom, was enjoyable. After riding Expedition Everest and Dinosaur, the two main attractions at the park, it was time to see The Festival of the Lion King, an original interpretation of the Disney classic. The show, hosted by four performers with Swahili names, is a compilation of songs and scenes from the movie. Brought to life by its talented actors and actresses the show is a must-see. It was by far the highlight of my visit to Animal Kingdom.

Under the pretense that Florida sand would be smooth against the soles of my feet I arrived at Cocoa Beach on November 18th for what would be an enjoyable escape from my current abode. My first step into the sand brought crashing into my memory the Pacific Coast. Tainted with fragments of shells and scattered with people, this is not quite as I had imagined. Oh wait, I'm on the Atlantic Coast, not the Gulf Coast! My initial dismay quickly passed as I heard that sweet dissonance that is the waves diverging together in complete discord. That untroubled white noise accompanied by 80 degree weather in the middle of November could not have created a more placid setting. The wintry foam of the waves caressing my ankles and eventually my entire body left me in an arctic state, void of all worry and ready to surrender myself to the ocean, never to return. Even the birds seemed ready to dissolve into the blue abyss. Warning: relaxation of this degree may inhibit your return to work, and with good reason.

Below are pictures from all of the things listed above, as well as a few pictures from the Food & Wine Festival that I never had the chance to upload.

Cheers

Week 11

Thunderous echoing booms come delayed as explosions of light and showers of sparks paint the sky. Smoke fragments trail off into twilight reflecting the luminescence that is Magic Kingdom below. The delay in sound corrects my inaccurate depth perception and I realize we are much further away than I previously thought. The Halloween fireworks have begun. A quick glance around unveils the geographical placement of everything on Disney property. I stand on the roof of Wilderness Lodge Resort, proclaimed by many to be the best view on all of Disney property. It is breathtaking at night, and something that not many get to experience. I will be back again for Christmas.

Yesterday I decided to treat myself to what I had mentioned last week: the Food & Wine Festival. Rather than mindlessly wandering around and telling myself that things are too expensive I broke down and had one of the most diverse feasts imaginable. Attempting to "eat around the world" is not only an expensive feat, but an indulging one as well. My brisk entrance into the park found me standing in front of the Puerto Rico marketplace where I quickly ordered Arroz con Pollo (chicken with rice, for the unilingual). While the ham croquetas and guava cookie were tempting alternatives, my stomach was pleased with my very first choice of food for the day. I deviated slightly and headed a ways up to the American pavilion to see what was happening. A long line had already formed for the concert of the day: Billy Ocean. After deciding it wasn't worth waiting in line for I continued to wander around. My insatiable appetite led me to Italy where I had Pizza. What else would you get from Italy? This being the first time I've had the chance to explore on my own I decided to venture into the various merchandise venues that lie scattered about in every theme park. Unlike other parks the theming and detail in the world showcase impedes one's ability to tell the difference between what they are seeing and the real thing, even if the real thing has never been seen.

I don't remember how much time was spent conversing with random employees and guests, most of whom were wearing Phillies attire, but I eventually found myself in the second row of the concert, watching Billy Ocean perform. Most recognized for the hit Carribean Queen, Billy Ocean can still hold a tune. Let me quickly outline the rest of my dinner for the evening. I headed to New Orleans in the American marketplace for Chicken and Andouille Gumbo, a spicy treat. Corn and Cheese Arepa from Santiago, Chile; Chicken Souvlaki with Tzatziki from Athens, Greece; Spicy Chicken Sausage with Sweet Corn Polenta from Montreal, Canada; Seared Sea Scallop with Vegetable Slaw and Lemon OIl from Wellington, New Zealand; Warm Chocolate Lava Cake with Bailey's Ganache from Cork, Ireland; Braised Short Ribs in Cabernet with Mashed Potatoes from Paris, France. This was the extent of my feast, and unfortunately I only made it about halfway around the world and still managed to spend $70. An experience like this has no price tag because it is so unique. Next year I hope to start where I left off.

-Derek

Week 10

As you may have already noticed, I skipped last week's blog update. Let me see if I can call to mind the events of the last two weeks...It is not always undemanding to write about what has happened in my life, mostly because I work hours that should be illegal, but also because I don't know what will come out when I write. But wait, isn't that the beauty of it all? "Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say." -Sharon O'Brien. This is exactly what I mean. For anyone interested in writing, take this quote to heart, sit down, and delight in the results of simply putting pen to paper. You might impress yourself.

My roommates and I have become cognizant of the rapidly decreasing amount of days that we have left here in Orlando. This seems to have triggered the initiative to do whatever it takes to experience whatever there is that we haven't already. Of course, money will be an issue, but how many times do you get to be here? There are currently 71 days remaining and then my program is finished. So tempting is the thought of staying here, but I'm not sure I can afford to be enrolled in school anymore. With only one semester remaining, hopefully, it's time to get my degree and get out. Coming back here is a likely option, but I am not yet aware of the doors this program will have opened for me when I return home. The thought of going back to school leaves me uncomfortable, but I will have to suck it up and hope those remaining four months fly by.

I finally had the chance to attend one of the three dinner shows on Disney property. It's called the Hoop Dee Doo Revue. Cornbread and salad anticipate your arrival and are absolutely delicious. The performers make their way through the crowd making an uproar and settle up on stage. The skit that they perform is rather corny, but could soak even the driest of humors. Their interaction with the crowd entails picking out random people, asking them where they're from, and using it in a rhyme to the tune of their main song. I was one of these random people. And would you believe that the rhyme poked fun at the ridiculous amount of rain we get in Oregon? Something about hanging out our long johns to dry... Anyway the meal, served family style, consists of all-you-care-to-eat fried chicken, smoked barbecued pork ribs, mashed potatoes and baked beans, followed by a palatable helping of strawberry shortcake for dessert. Also included are all-you-care-to-drink soft drinks, iced tea, juices, coffee, draft Bud Light, Sangría, Chardonnay, Rosé and Merlot. All of this costs, with my cast member discount, around $30. Its worth far surpasses that amount; my stomach and wallet both remain happy.

The Food & Wine Festival is still in progress at Epcot here at Disneyworld. Not only are there authentic taste seminars and culinary demonstrations, but 27 international marketplaces each showcasing scrumptious food and wine for the masses to enjoy. You will find dishes from Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, Spain, Poland, China, India, South Africa, Thailand, Australia, Germany, Italy, Austria, USA, Japan, Morocco, France, Ireland, New Zealand, Canada, Greece, Chile, and Puerto Rico. There is also kiosk for desserts & champagne as well as one showcasing different types of cheeses. Unfortunately I have not eaten from a single one of these kiosks. In fact, I am saving that for Monday. Portion sizes are rather small for their cost, but I'm willing to pay a bit extra for these exotic foods. For anyone who has never seen Epcot, it has a world showcase with pavilions representing 11 different countries. This is always here, a permanent fixture of the park. The American Adventure pavilion is currently host to the "Eat to the Beat" series concerts that are a wonderful part of the Food & Wine package. Just a few days ago I saw Boyz II Men. Who knew these guys were still around? Despite the overly romantic nature of the lyrics, these guys put on an incredible show. Still to come are Taylor Hicks, Billy Ocean, and Los Lobos... Would you believe me if I said I get to see all of this for free? Being a cast member has some terrific perks!

Last night at work I had the privilege of stepping away from the front desk and into the haunting darkness of the campground at night. Even more haunting is the competitive nature of the campers when it comes to adorning their campsite with Halloween decorations. There is a contest that happens here, judged by the recreation cast members, for the best-decorated campsite/cabin on resort property. It really is a site to behold, the gigantic inflatable haunted houses, the carrot-orange lights, and even the Tigger/snowman hybrid that has arrived early for the Christmas season. It is humbling to see the comfort in which are guests find at my resort. They truly are the ones making the experience what it is, and I am so glad to be a part of that.

More to come,

Derek